alas, I am no good at death June 19, 2009

Last month, my beloved 16 year old cat, Shak, died.  Earlier this week, one of my favorite aunts passed on, too.  Tonight, I sit here listening to the very labored breathing of my loyal friend, Willow, an 8 year old blue heeler/German shepherd mix.  And as I sit here listening to her heavy breaths, knowing tomorrow she will have to be euthanized, I am devastated.  I am incapacitated.  I am a real mess and at a real loss. It is obvious now to me, I am no good at death.

I think it is because life is temporary and death is inevitable.  No matter who you are.  No matter who loves you.  No matter how well you took care of your health or how great a person you were, death comes for us all; indiscriminately and sometimes utterly unexpectedly.

I know this is not a comfortable subject and many will think me morose for even contemplating publicly like this.  But I am compelled to mention death and how inept I am at managing it.

See, I am not afraid of death.  I am not afraid to die.  I am not afraid of what comes next; of what heaven or what hell might be waiting.  I am afraid that not enough of us realize the imminent eventuality of death, not even me., and it is a heart-breaking shame.  And since death is so final, I am afraid that when we forget to relish and appreciate all we can in life, we get no second chances.

How can you just go back and reclaim the time you lost?  How can you say the things you meant to say or do the things you meant to do?  How can you take that last walk with Willow and this time be really mindful, really present in the moment and aware of what a blessing it truly is?  How do you go ahead now and give her all the cookies she could want…just emptying the bin into her bowl to her delight?  What will become of those cookies now?

How do you get to say goodbye, when death has already come?

So although I know not to fear death, I am still incapacitated by my grief over the loss of life and the loss of opportunity to show my love and my care.

May we live more mindfully of all our many blessings, my friends.  May we be truly present in every moment.  May we live gently and love freely.  Life is short, dear ones.  Spoil the dog.

And now we have 9! June 4, 2009

Inka and her day old kittens

Our beloved boy, Shak, died at the age of 16 in early May.  He was a very loving, calm cat who improved the atmosphere of our home as soon as he joined it all those years ago.  When he died, we were devastated at the loss.  There was this huge void he left and the kids and I were just beside ourselves with grief.

A week after he passed we were in the local pet store and they were having a pet adoption event with various local shelters.  The children fell in love with a tiny, 5 week old kitteh that we decided to take home and name Tuzigoot, which is Tanto-Apache for “crooked water.”  It is the name of a local indian ruin.  Autumn chose the name because it was fun and I thought it was an appropriate choice with an definite Arizona feeling to it.

At the same time, I felt a connection to a young cat, about 9 months old who reminded me of my beloved Ophelia, who died at age 17 about 3 years ago now.  Holding her at the adoption event, I realized she was very sweet and personable and loved to be cuddled and petted.  I also suspected she was pregnant.  The shelter rep expressed concern if she was, because it is against shelter policy to adopt out pregnant animals.  They prefer all adoptees to be spayed or neutered to prevent continued problems with overpopulation.

With the rep’s blessing, we did adopt her and took her to the vet to confirm she was about halfway through her pregnancy!  Autumn chose her fun name as well, Inkadinkadoo, which I liked because her golden tabby coat and golden eyes did remind me of Inca gold.

This past Sunday morning, she had her kittens, only about 2.5 weeks after joining our home.  She really seems to have adjusted well to life here at our abode and displays much trust towards us.  I am so proud of how well she did delivering.  I do not think she made a single peep of pain the whole time.  The first 2 kittens arrived by 8am, the third came by 9 and the fourth and last came at 9:45 am.  Although she is as young as she is, she has proven to be a perfect mother!  She has all the right instincts and they are serving her and her kittens well.  All I need to do is keep her bowls stocked, her bedding fresh and offer her some playtime when she gets stir crazy.

So far as I can tell, the kittens are all short haired tabbys.  The biggest two are both golden like her with black stripes more pronounced than any of hers.  The biggest and first to be born seems to be the only male.  Logan would like to call him Bowser, but I am encouraging the kids not to name them and get too attached as we can not plan on keeping 4 more cats!  Now we are at 9 including these new little bundles of joy!  The smallest 2 have more grey and black to their coats.  Both of them appear to be girls.  Three of them have white-washed faces, which is just adorable and one has freckles on her cheeks!

The plan is for them to nurse as long as possible and be weaned closer to 6-8 weeks of age.  They will be ready for new homes at that time so if you are local to me and in the market for some new little kittehs, let me know!  If they have a personality half as sweet as their mother, you will be surely blessed.

Inka and her kittens, day 3

Consistency is key, my friends May 21, 2009

Consistency is key.  This I know and yet I somehow manage to remain largely inconsistent in my endeavors.  <sigh>  What am I going to do with me?  I know,  I will be gentle with myself, as I would be with a friend who lacked consistency.

It has been so long since I have posted an entry to this here blog that I actually forgot how!  I used this blog so infrequently, that I just now discovered how to approve and post any comments left by you, my good friends! LOL  Silly, low-tech me.  Please be patient with me as I grow!

Getting down to brass tacks… I am on the computer way too much wasting time.  Now, I do not consider posting here a waste of time.  In fact it helps me achieve many of my goals like introspection, correspondence with my friends that read my blog and serves as an outlet for my writing, which I feeled compelled to do more of.  As of now, this is it.  This IS the sum total of my writing efforts.  So no, posting to this blog is not a waste of my time.  Neither is using the computer to research or plan homeschooling, or keep track of my finances.  But wasting time on Facebook, playing the addictive games like Farm Town and Pathwords…those ARE collossal wastes of time.

I desperately need balance so I am poised to cut myself off soon…make myself unplug.  I figure I will alot myself (and each of the children) and set amount of time each day to spend on the computer.  I will base this time allotment on what all we NEED to do on the computer and what we like to do and what all else in life requires our attention.  I have not yet done the math, but I think I might aim for 2 hours a day to begin with.  Now I know that sounds like a lot, and it is.  But based on how often I sit in front of this box right now, it would be a VAST improvement! I will see how that goes and if possible, keep chiseling away at the time we spend on “screens” until I feel we have reached an acceptable balance that we can successfully maintain.

For any of you who spend tons of time on screens and feel there is no real problem with it, not to worry.  I am not passing judgement on anyone but myself and maybe my children in terms of how much computer and other screen use is affecting the balance of life.  Now, you may want to beg to differ with me on the negative impact of high screen use, but I am sure you will not disagree that balance is important and consitency is key!  I want us to have time to spend with our new kittehs, and Inkadinkadoo’s kittens when they arrive (any day now)!  I want us to explore hobbies and crafts and learn to keep ourselves company happily without constant electronic distractions.  I want to put lots of effort toward the community victory garden we are getting ready to plant this weekend.  I want us to whip our booties into better shape by getting outside more and being more active in wonder of nature!  Does any of this sound good?  I think so.

Wish us luck!

Entering another phase… April 15, 2009

Maybe it’s the lunar cycle, or my own cycle or maybe it is the fact that I am weaning off some meds I’ve been taking for the last couple of years for the anxiety and panic issues I had in the past.  Whatever it is, I am entering an introspective phase.  Its time for me to reevaluate my efforts.  I want to be sure I am maximizing my time.

I do not want to bury myself under meaningless commitments but nor do I want to fritter away the chance to do good things in my life.  I am eager to find a balance, or at least explore finding a balance.

It is so very important to me to simplify my obligations (yet again) so that I can best allow myself the time and energy and serenity to truly focus on what I deem most important.

Yes, I want to focus on my family, as always.  I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be.  But what does that mean specifically?  Currently, some things come to mind like a wife/mother who is calm and peaceful and yet fun and full of life!  I do not want resentments, restlessness or tedium to take over here at home.  To achieve my goals in this area, I think I need to focus on myself and my interests and I need to encourage Brent and the children to focus more on theirs.  I am not talking about a family of strangers going thier own ways all the time.  No.  I am talking about a family of individuals living and learning and exploring together, but also supporting each other in personal pursuits.

I need to take the time to explore with everyone what that means to them.

For me, I have already given it lots of thought and I have decided to respect the fact that I am hungry for some creative outlets and I am very eager to take better care of myself all around.  I have already listed in previous posts that I am stepping up the fitness regimine.  I am happy to report that that is going well and according to the Wii Fit,  I have lost 10 pounds since early February!  I am also developing a simple, smart plan for eating healthier to aid with weight loss and improve general health.  Then, I want to look into the feasibility of regular yoga classes and/or massage.  If I save money on meds and doctors as I get fitter, maybe I could apply that cash to fun things like those!  And goodness knows, I am needing a new do!

Creatively speaking, I brought along certain projects with me that I want to dive into and make regular time for, namely cross-stitching and scrapbooking our Arizona adventure.  Although, I have not laid a hand on the materials for the latter at all yet, I did recently learn how to use Photoshop Elements 7 (no, I am not getting paid for that plug – teehee) to make digital scrapbooking pages for the GCHSA homeschool yearbook.  Here is a look at the pages I created using a free trial of that program:

I know the thumbnails are sort of hard to see, but if you click on them, they do get a bit larger, though maybe not large enough to read the fonts.  One is a family page commemorating our school year,  one is to celebrate the 2 students our group is graduating this year, one is for a field trip we did to the local Worden Organic Farm, and the last one is for an ongoing service opportunity I organized this year in which GCHSA has a mutually beneficial community partnership with Rotary Park Environmental Center.  I have to say, I am pleased with how my first attempts at digital scrapbooking came out!

Recently, I got back in touch with my old friend, Fritzie from Ninepatch (a newsletter I used to read and contribute to a million years ago – I even did thier webpage for awhile back in the day!) and she has asked me to whip up a personal update or some such and send it in for the next issue, which I am set on doing.  Since this writing bug has bitten me, I am also working on a book collaboration with a friend that I really hope pans out and I also started jotting down ideas for a book of my own as well…  I dunno, am I a writer?  We shall see…

And, while I am thinking up this spiritual revolution, I have not forgotten to include ideas on how to make our homeschooling efforts more meaningful as well.  I have not gotten this all figured out just yet, but what i do know already is that I plan to do my best to include all those things that me and the fam identify as most important to us… I know Autumn wants to learn piano and that she wants to learn about psychology and that she wants to progress with her Japanese language studies.  I think those are all very valuable ways to spend your time as a nearly 16 year old, so I will be sure to arrange our life to allow her time for those things.  The boys are next on my list…I need to find out what’s going to light their fires for learning and go from there.  More on this to come, I am sure!

A Proud Mother, um..er.. Gardener April 15, 2009

Well here we are all the way in Flagstaff, Arizona and our friend back home in Cape Coral tells us that our mango tree is beginning to form fruits!  This fall will be only the second year we have had this mango tree and the first year for it to bear fruit!  I guess it is quite happy where we planted it directly adjacent to our compost bin!  I am sure the best soil on our property exists in that section of the back yard!

I know that I am not doing all the hard work the tree is doing, sucking up as much water from the parched ground in order to bring forth this fruit, but nevertheless, I am proud to bursting!  It is a real shame that we will not be there to watch the fruits develop and then enjoy the harvest later in the year!  Perhaps we can have a friend box us up a few once the time comes!

Thanks to Jenelle, for sending along these photos to us!

Fitness Plan March 24, 2009

It was cold last night.  Woke up to snow on the ground.  As the sun came out and the day heated up, it all melted away but it kept trying to snow off and on throughout the day.  Brent and I missed out walk this morning since we both had to go to the lab to update our blood work.  We treated ourselves to a relatively healthy breakfast a local restaurant and bakery, Brandy’s. I had the Eggs Florentine (spinach and swiss) with some herbal tea and Brent had Eggs DiVinci (roasted red peppers and artichoke hearts) and coffee (of course). Both were served over English muffins with Hollandaise sauce, Eggs Benedict style but with more pizazz.  We enjoyed our meals and plan to be back.  Apparently, this place will be featured on the Food Network show Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with Guy Fier sometime in April. It was a very nice breakfast date. Afterward, I dropped him to work and headed home to the daily grind of homeschooling and housekeeping.

Brent got word of a community fitness center not too far from home.  It is located at the Thorpe Park Senior Center and the membership to join for the year was only $79/person.  Brent and I both opted to join and figured it would be nice to be able to work out together.  The place is only open during the week, M-F but that is just fine with us as we would like to keep the weekends open for family oriented excursion, that are bound to involve some sort of activity anyway.  With the membership to this place, comes membership to fitness centers at two other locations.  One is on the east side of town and the other is on the NAU campus.  I have not been to either of those yet to check them out, but I think it is nice that the membership includes all 3 places.  Seems very affordable.  So the plan was for me to meet Brent after work today at the Thorpe Park location for our first workout since joining.  I had planned ot walk there as my “cardio” portion of my workout, but I did not even make it to the urban trail before realizing, I was just not dressed warmly enough for the cold weather.  I turned back, got the van and then picked up Brent at work and we headed over from there.  I do plan to walk or bike there and back most times, since it is only about 1.5 miles away, but today it was just too cold and I was just not prepared.

My first work out there went well enough.  20 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0 speed and 2 incline.  After that I went around the room and aimed to do 3 sets of 15 reps of each of the weight machines.  They have things there for knee flexion and extension, ab flexion and back extension, biceps, triceps, lats, etc.  I did not get a chance to try all the machines this time, but all in all, I was able to do most.  If I am able to walk or bike there and back, I will likely skip doing the treadmill and focus on the weight (strength) training instead.  If that is the case, workouts should not take me more than 3o minutes!  My plan now is to workout on M,W, F and gradually get to the point where I add in T, and Th also.  I am looking forward to seeing how this plan works over the next year.  I will update as needed.

Recent Online Endeavors March 20, 2009

I spend most of my online time posting to a few Yahoo groups I started this year.  The first, and most active is House Proud.  The premise behind this group is to get me and my friends motivated to whip our houses into order and create the “sanctuary” we all long for and deserve.  Most of the gals in that group are folks I know from our Florida homeschool group, GCHSA, but we have also been joined by some fabulous gals from around the globe.  One member is from Australia!

Next up is my 2009 Biggest Loser group.  I faithfully watch NBC’s Biggest Loser, which is in its 7th season and this group is meant as a discussion forum for other fans of the show or folks who are just really ready to make 2009 the year their weight loss, health and fitness goals come true!  The group is rather small right now, and not that active.  But I do what I can to keep myself motivated and hopefully help inspire other people by posting my personal progress as well as tips and ideas I find online.  I recently opened this group up to Yahoo at learge, so I am hoping more folks will join us and things will pick up with this forum.

Finally, there is my latest Yahoo group, just born yesterday!  It is called Simple Abundance and it a group dedicated to sharing our inspirations and joys like Sarah van Breathnach does in her popular book called Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. This group is brand new and has no members yet, but since I have invited some friends and left it open in the Yahoo directory, I am hoping folks jummp on in and join me there soon.  My plan is for us to read each daily passage in the day book, as well as any other books we read for inspiration and then share our  thoughts or realizations about what we are reading.

I guess I should at least mention the other Yahoo groups I own and moderate because, they are, afterall, ultracool, too!  If you join us at the Waste Nothing Swap Nook you will be able to swap all your unwanted items for things that you could use that other people happen to be offering!  All you have to do is post a list of the things you have to offer, and then arrange to swap them for things that some one else has to offer that interest you!  I am about to complete my latest swap.  I sent several empty CD/DVD cases to a gal who is sending me various veggie, herb and flower seeds in exchange!

In my Healthy Vegetarian Crockpot Cooking Group, folks share recipes and ask for advice on using thier crockpots.  It’s one thing to find good tasting recipes for crockpots and a whole other thing to try to find healthy, vegetarian recipes for use in crockpots!!! I have learned so much in this group over the years, like the fact that dried beans are NOT recommended for use in crockpots!  That was the whole reason I orignally bought my crockpot!  Live and learn!

And then of course there is my good ol’ Garage Sale Loop, which is my oldest, longest existing group!  This one I got started so that folks in my area (SW FL) could buy, sell, swap and even give away or request goods and services.  This is such a fabuous idea, that I would highly encourage other folks to get something similar started in their area.

Spring has sprung! March 19, 2009

I walked Brent to work again this morning.  He works at the Flagstaff Medical Center (FMC – or Fancy Moustache Club, as the kids call it) and when I got back home I noticed a splash of color in our front yard.  Sure enough, I was pleasantly suprised by the first blooms of my most favorite flower, daffodils!

Daffodils

This is just amazing to me because bulbs don’t grow in SW Florida and here they are springing up unexpectedly in our front yard!  Perhaps its a sign!  Is the Universe trying to tell me something?  I just love these flowers so much and it brings me such joy to see some popping their heads out at me today!  The first day of Spring in not officially until March 20, but I guess these guys did not get the memo.  I suppose the fact that the deep piles of snow are all gone now, and the days much warmer is good enough for them!

The walk to the FMC is about 1.5 miles and takes me about an hour round trip.  Willow accompanies me and is quite happy to be included.  It is a great way for me to start my week days.  I enjoy spending some extra time with Brent during his “commute.”  I also enjoy the fresh air early in my day to help get my blood pumping.  Walking that 60 minutes or so a day, is a boost to my fitness, too and gives me plenty of time to think.  It’s a win-win-win (that includes Brent, Willow and me) so I plan to keep that up as often as possible.

Today after work, Brent and I went to check out the Thorpe Park Community Center fitness room.  For $75/year, we get membership at the 3 local Flagstaff community centers.  I am impressed.  Flag has 3 and Cape Coral doesn’t even have 1 (unless you count the Senior center)!  They are open for me to use M-F from 12noon to 8pm.  Brent plans to go every week day after work.  I want to get there on Wednesdays and Fridays for sure, and maybe Mondays, too.  I am concerned about how it is going to interfere with dinner and our typical evening schedule, but I think the extra dose of fitness is very worth some rearranging.

Time to watch some pre-recorded programming with the fam, so TTFN!

one reason I like bums September 18, 2008

Is “bum” the politically correct term?  I certainly mean no offense, but I digress.  One reason I like bums is because they make an effort to pick up other people’s recyclables from along roadsides, etc.  Now I know they may have ulterior motives for doing this like procuring money for sometimes undesirable purposes, perhaps.  But the fact remains, they pick up some of the trash other people leave behind and for this I am thankful.

When I bicycle in the mornings, I like to stop on my way home to fill my basket with roadside recyclables that I collect along the way.  Once home I can toss them in with the stuff in my bins and feel good about knowing they are not ending up in the estuaries.  It never ceases to amaze and sadden me just how much junk is out there in the fields along the roadside.  How does it all get there?  Does it blow out of bins when people set out their trash and recycle bins or do people actually still just toss stuff out car windows?

Whatever the case, I figure I can do at least this little thing to help the world.  I don’t own or run a big, influential corporation.  I don’t have gobs of money.  I don’t write, paint, act, dance, sing or make music.  I’m not a presidential or vice presidential nominee.  I am nothing really grand but I can stoop over and fill my bike basket with recyclable street-side discards on my way home.

Truth is, I have my alterior motives too, I guess.  I want to live in a cleaner world.  I want to feel better about myself as a person by feeling as if I make some sort of difference.  I want to think that folks might see me and think twice the next time before chucking something out their car window.  Maybe some folks will even think to themselves, “Hey, if I’m out biking, maybe I can pick up trash too!”  You never know!  I saw a lady today, walking and picking up trash as she went along and sticking it in a plastic bag.  I was so pleased.  She was like kindred and as I rode past I said, “Thank you.”     As I leaned over my bike outside a school I was thanked in turn by the crossing guards who said, “Aren’t you nice?!  Thank you for doing that.”  I won’t lie, it was nice to be appreciated.  Also, I must admit, I did not slow down to grab every item I passed.  I sped past some perfectly recyclable cans and bottles as I enjoyed coasting on what little momentum the rare and slight declines offered by this area.  Heh, we all have our guilty pleasures.

Sun Power September 8, 2008

Living in south west Florida, we certainly get lots of sun.  Brent and I have talked about different ways of utilizing this great solar gift and although we have lots of ideas, most are out of our price range just yet.  However, we did decide there is at least one simple thing we can do to start taking advantage of this ample, free power source right away…

…So this weekend we designed and rigged up our very own clothesline!  It started with a trip to Lowes to get the parts.  Here is the set-up we bought:  2 hooks and pulleys and a bundle of clothesline rope.  The link I just shared is not the exact stuff we got but it is a handy pic of the sorts of things we used.  The exact stuff we got was just hand selected from the shelves in Lowes to do the job intended.  We did look to see what premaid clothesline set-ups they had but all they had was the telescoping, umbrella type and that is not what I was looking for.  I wanted something a little less obtrusive and we needed something that would be easy enough to take in in case of severe weather.  I explained the pully clothesline idea to Brent from memories I had of the one we had when I was a kid.  Check out the pics to see how it turned out.

We realize it may need some tweaking to make the line more taut.  As you can see, with a modest load on it, it is really sagging. We may also get some of the line guide thingys to help hold the line in place, too.  The whole thing easily slips off the hooks at the playset and near the upper story window, so there will be no trouble getting it down in a hurry.

One silly note… as it happens, it hangs directly over Logan’s self-made fire pit, so we have already instructed him not to set any fires if clothes are on the line!  Me thinks this is a rather convenient configuration should we ever want to smoke some meat!  Maybe that’s another homeschool project waiting to happen as we are about to study colonial times…

Ta da!

house end

Logan’s fire pit